


Falling From The Wall

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Cutting, Don't Kill Me, God Im a monster, He get better I swear, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I realize now Kageyama's kind of a dick in this, I should probably give some context, Let me wash my hands with holy water, Let's give Hinata some love please, M/M, Panic attack just remembered I crammed those in there, SOrry guys I suck ass with tags, THE TITLE IS A WORK IN PROGRESS FORGIVE ME, Why do I like hurting people epsecially this ball of sunshine, hinata is depressed, i have sinned, im sick, poor hinata, set when they lost to Aoba josahi, trigger warning, um idk let's just hope this doesn't turn out like crap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-22 11:24:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11966364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hinata is falling, spiraling down in a never ending staircase of darkness. Each step brings him closer to his darkness and deeper in depression. No matter how hard he tries, things just keep getting worse and worse.  At volley ball or at home neither made Hinata feel like he belongs. What had caused this? Maybe it was the loss at Aoba Johsai, or when Kageyama told him it was all his fault. Or maybe this darkness was with him his whole life, it just needed a reason to break out…(Basically this is like how Hinata slowly develops anxiety and depression after the loss of Aoba Johsai. Sorry I suck at titles but just read it, you’ll get it.)





	1. Chapter 1

It was the set point for Aoba johsai. The moment of truth. The moment that would decide if Karasuno had a chance at going to nationals, to regain their former glory as a school. The ball was lifted into the air. It was soaring way above Hinata’s head. It was so high. Smack. Dachi was able to receive the ball nicely, although it went to the other side of the net. Back and forth the volley ball was passed around. Adrenaline was on high and the passes were getting sloppy.  
Finally the ball was passed to the Karasuno setter, Kageyama. Hinata felt his body move before he could think about what to do. His mind was dead silent except for the thought of contact between his hand and the volley ball. Kageyama gave him the perfect pass, it fell right into the palm of his hand. Exhilaration flooded through his veins as he slapped the ball. But something was wrong, he couldn’t see the other side of the court, he couldn’t feel the relief of the ball hitting the other side of the court.  
Because-  
Oh no-  
A wall looms in front of him-  
It casts a shadow darker than a raven's feather-  
And Kageyama’s perfect pass, Hinata’s spike-

 

Was blocked.

The ball bounced a couple of times. Almost relieved that it wasn’t being thrown around anymore. But the ball wasn’t supposed to touch Karasuno side, it was supposed to fall and bounce tiredly on Aoba Johsai’s side. Because they weren’t supposed to lose. But the game was over. The ball touched the ground, and Hinata fell. Wings broken. He wasn’t able to fly. 

It took a moment for the crowd to process what had just happened, but the stands quickly screamed victoriously.  
The next moments were fragmented, blurred memories. All Hinata really remembered was this digging feeling in the back of his mind as the karasuno team left the gym. Hinata felt numb. He felt numb because he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how they had lost. Wasn’t Hinata supposed to use their godlike quick and save the game? Why did he fail. They were supposed to win, because they had the ‘best decoy’. 

They were supposed to win. 

A scratchy voice echoed in his head. 

Then why did you fall?

 

……

 

Kageyama

 

Kageyama was scared. He felt cornered as the ball came to him in the air, falling down to him. He needed to think, who would be better to pass to? Who was going to take the point? Who would to be able to spike that ball with all they’ve got even though it’s the end of the match. He glanced at Hinata who was already sprinting to his position right beside him. Hinata.

Kageyama began to realize that the ball is getting dangerously close to his hands. He still didn’t know who to pass it to, if he makes one wrong pass then it’s all over. The setter’s heat began to pound against his chest. Kageyama was scared-  
Kageyama was cornered-  
He didn’t know where to turn, in a time like this when his fatigue is at it’s peak and his mind was fuzzy from adrenalin, how was he supposed to make a choice that decides the fate of the ga-

The ball touches Kageyama’s fingers-

And he does something that he doesn’t need to think about-

Because Kageyama knows that he will be behind him, awaiting the perfect set-

That he trusts him enough to close his eyes while he jumps-

And Kageyama trusts Hinata enough to pass the ball-

It happens so fast the Kageyama doesn’t even have time to think. The ball hits the ground of the court, on Karasuno side. But that would mean-  
Hinata was on the floor beside him, his fists were clenched and it looked like he might be holding in tears. He didn’t make it over. Hinata didn’t make it over…  
Hinata, the one person who was supposed to be behind him. The person who was supposed to make it. Kageyama gave it to him. Why didn’t he make it over? Why did he lose?

 

He lost because Kageyama trusted Hinata.  
……  
Hinata

Kageyama stayed in the showers long after everyone left. He was putting his head under the cold water seemingly not caring about the water dripping onto his uniform. He stared at the drain where all the water got sucked in. Hinata looked at him questioningly, did he blame himself for the loss? That wouldn’t make sense, it wasn’t his fault. Should he tell him that? He didn’t want Kageyama to take the loss hard. The last thing the Karasuno team needed was their genius setter losing confidence.  
When Kageyama turned around he grabbed a white towel and began to dry his hair. He pushed past Hinata and followed where the rest of team had already gone.  
“Do you blame yourself for the team losing?” Hinata asked cautiously. “Because it’s not your fault, you did really-” He was cut off when Kageyama whipped his head around, a glare that Hinata was used to pinned to his eyes.  
“ I blame myself. Because I passed to you.” Kageyama hissed those words out and they struck Hinata like a punch. Hinata lifted his head to where Kageyama was blocking the sun. Casting a shadow darker than a raven’s feather.  
Just like Aoba Johsai.

“I don’t know why I ever thought that you could handle the last toss of the game. It was a predictable move and our quicks have been inconsistent. Not to mention how many times you mess up.”  
Hinata stood cowering under Kageyama’s size and confidence. His words pricked at his skin and Hinata felt his gaze fall, not able to look Kageyama in his eyes. His hands began to fidget with themselves, something he did a lot of when he was nervous. He didn’t think that it was his fault that the team failed, but then again he didn’t think it was anyone’s fault. Maybe Kageyama was right…  
“You let the team down”  
Those words slashed at Hinata and he felt tears well in his eyes. He let the team down? Because he was blocked? No, he couldn’t help that the other players jumped. But he could’ve jumped higher, he could’ve. 

 

Hinata didn’t notice when Kageyama left, he didn’t really notice Kageyama pushing past him and walking down to where their other teammates had gone. Hinata couldn’t have noticed how guilty Kageyama felt as he walked away. He couldn’t have noticed how much Kageyama regretted the sting of his words as soon as they left his mouth.  
But Kageyama failed to notice the hot tears that ran down the side of Hinata’s face. Or the pounding feeling of self hate eating away at his insides. Kageyama didn’t see Hinata press his hands to his eyes, his breathing beginning to hitch, getting caught in his throat. Kageyama didn’t catch a glimpse of when Hinata’s breath started to shorten in length and quicken in pace. He couldn’t have seen Hinata fall to the ground, clutching at his chest thinking he was drowning in his own breath, while his heart beat so quick he was worried it might erupt out of his chest.  
Kageyama couldn’t have seen these things.

 

He was already too far away...


	2. Somethings Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata's realizing something is different. He just can't pin point what

Hinata stood in the front door to his home. When the bus dropped him off at the school he immediately got on his bike to go home. It was dusk when he arrived at the school and now the sun had almost disappeared below the horizon. Hinata took his bike home like usual but something seemed different as he rode down the familiar streets that led to his home.   
Hinata still stood silently looking at the handle with his arms at his side.Why couldn’t Hinata bring himself to open the door. Why was Hinata waiting for ten minutes now to find the strength to open this simple door. It was because Hinata didn’t want to open the door and tell his parents how badly he failed, how he still wasn’t good enough even after all his training.   
I guess hard work can’t change the fact that you have no talent. No strength. No potential.  
He shook his head and finally raised his hand to open his door. “NII-CHAN!!!” He heard a screa and then felt a small body crash into him. He laughed, it felt weird bet that didn’t make him stop hugging his little sister. Natsu clinged to his chest like she hadn’t seen him in years, which in fact wasn’t true. Natsu had seen him just a couple days ago, but for the little red head it had seemed like an eternity. Hinata hugged Natsu back and a smile slipped back onto his face. The smile felt like it didn’t belong there, it didn’t feel right, like it was someone else's smile. He didn’t want it or need it but it was still there.  
“Nii-chan!! I missed you!” Natsu squealed as she buried her head into his shoulder. Hinata hugged Natsu tighter “I missed you too…”

After dodging many questions about how the match went, how he played, whether or not they lost. he was finally able to make it up to his room. His mom was always like this after a match, bombarding him with questions. Hinata usually responded to the question instead of ignoring them all together. Hinata likes that his mother is interested in his life, unlike his father who completely disregarded anything that had to do with his son.  
Currently Hinata’s father was out. Who knows where. He never told his family when he leaved like this, but Hinata guessed he was out drinking or gambling, the usual. Hinata’s father would disappear days on end without calling his wife to tell her he was okay. But that’s just the way he is. Lucky for Hinata.  
Hinata opened the door to his small room. The room had a mirror that made it so right when you walked in you could see yourself standing in the doorway. Hinata was the perfect height so when he walked in he could see his whole body. Hinata hated that mirror, he hated looking at himself and despising every inch of what he saw.   
Inside of the mirror he could see that we still wearing his volleyball uniform. He could see his messily styled orange hair being out of place as always. But more than anything he could see how dull his eyes looked, like a hope that had faded away from his once a lit eyes. He quickly moved his gaze away from the mirror, he didn’t want to look at himself right now.   
Hinata plopped down on his bed burying his head into his pillow, all his thoughts absorbing into his brain. The thoughts went to dark places, they made him feel scared and alone. But most of all sad. He felt this overwhelming sea of sadness that he had immersed himself in. He expected it to be hard to fall asleep that he would be up till one or two in the morning, but only minutes after his head hit his pillow, he fell into a sleep dense murky sleep.

He woke up to his mother shaking him awake frantically yelling, “You’re going to be late!! You’re going to be late!!” It took Hinata a bit to process her words, sleep still clouding his ability to comprehend things. He was so tired he could feel his body weighing him down as he sat up on his bed. His mother thrust a paper bag into his lap. “Get dressed and pack for volleyball, I made breakfast for you so can eat on the way.” Hinata nodded distantly looking at the clock, it read: 5:30.   
5:30! He usually wakes an hour before that! His mother was right he was going to be so late! He quickly pulled on his practice clothes and hurriedly brushed his teeth, he avoided looking in the mirror when he left his room, grabbing his backpack on the way out. His mother had said a goodbye on his way out but Hinata didn’t reply.  
Hinata pedaled as hard as he could, taking the quickest route he knew to his high school. He checked his watch, 5:50. He had gotten ready a lot faster than he usually did, but it still wasn’t fast enough for him to get there on time. Volleyball practice started in ten minutes, Hinata usually got to school in twenty minutes, and that’s on a good day when his muscles aren’t burning from exhaustion. But today he felt like he would pass out in any minute from exhaustion, he had to keep reminding himself if he fell asleep he would probably crash and hurt himself. Not that he minded him injuring himself. That thought made Hinata shiver, he’s never thought of something like that before.   
He immediately tried to think of something else. Volleyball. Volleyball was usually his go to thing to think of when he was feeling down. He was going to become the ace right? He was going to go to nationals and finally stand where The Little Giant stood? Right? But even thinking about nationals didn’t light the same fire that would have two or even one day ago.   
Something has changed, a cold whisper spat in the back of his mind. Since yesterday everything has seemed so out of place. He wish he could just go back to sleep, that would be so much better.   
Hinata was so caught up in his thoughts he almost didn’t realize that he made it to school. He threw his bike into the empty bike rack and started to sprint towards the volleyball court. He opened the door and the familiar sound of volleyballs bouncing on the hard floor drifted into his ears. Usually he loved that sound but today it made his stomach churn in nervousness.   
His team turned their eyes onto Hinata, it seemed like they were all glaring down at him. Was it just him or had everyone gotten a foot taller. He could feel his heart start to pick up pace in his ribcage.   
“Sorry I’m late!” He managed to squeak out under their immense gazes. Suga was quick to respond, “That’s okay. Hurry up and put your bags down so you can start practice.” He said with his usual kind smile. Suga went back to setting to Tanaka, who was one of the many who kept their mouth clamped together when he came. Actually a lot of his team looked like they wanted to say something but just couldn’t get it out.   
Hinata slid his bag over to where the other’s had put theirs. He went over to apologize to Coach Ukai once more before the coach had pushed him away saying, “Go and practice and stop worrying it’s fine, seriously.” Hinata nodded walking over to where Daichi was to ask him what we were doing this practice.   
“Oh, you can just go over and practice your quick with Kageyama.” The name Kageyama made Hinata’s heart plunge. He forgot that he would have to see Kageyama today. The harsh words that the setter had said to him left Hinata broken. He didn’t feel like spiking with Kageyama. But he dragged himself over to where Kageyama was setting to Asahi. One foot over another, each step he kept telling himself, It’s okay Hinata, It’s going to be okay.  
Hinata got to Kageyama as he just set the to Asahi, the spiker hit it and it hit the floor with a Smack!. Hinata gulped and poked his team mate. Kageyama whipped his head around, when he realized who it was he immediately started to glare at him, his eyes piercing through Hinata as they always did.  
“Kageyama, Daichi said that we should practice our quick.” He said tentatively. Kageyama scowled down at him, Hinata looked away not able to withstand his fierce anger. “ I’m practicing with Asahi right now, why don’t you go practice serving with Yamaguchi. You could really use the practice,” He said coldly.   
Asahi, who apparently hadn’t seen Hinata come in, came up to them. “ Oh, Hinata, I didn’t see you there. You’re super la-” He cut off mid-sentence and started to burst out in laughter. Hinata instantly felt his face heat up.  
“W-What? Why are you laughing?” He said, suddenly feeling insecurities rising up in his throat. Was his shirt on backwards? Did he have something on his face? Did Asahi finally realize how ugly Hinata was. If his heart wasn’t already beating fast, then it was now. It felt like a ticking time bomb and at any moment it would explode out of his chest.   
“It’s just-” Asahi said through laughter “You have major bedhead right now!” He started to laugh uncontrollably now. Tanaka who was right next to them had heard what Asahi said and was also giggly like an idiot. Kageyama looked at hinata with an evil smirk on his face that made Hinata just want to disappear. Even Suga was trying to hold in a laugh.   
Hinata hadn’t looked in his mirror today, of course. Who could blame him, no one would want to look in the mirror if they had his face. Was his bed head really that bad? Usually he could tame it down using a little water but he was in too big of a rush this morning.   
Their laughter seemed to last forever, bitterly taunting him, feeding his thoughts and insecurities. Tanaka slapped Hinata on his back, a gesture he once thought of as kind, now left him stinging with dejection.  
“Oh,” Asahi said wiping his eyes, “What did you want from us.” Hinata looked down. “Nothing. Nevermind. I need to go to the bathroom.”   
“Don’t let us stop you,” Asahi said jokingly. Hinata felt tears prink at his eyes as he turned away hurriedly walking towards the restrooms. He shakily opened the door to one of the stalls, he went in, locked the stall behind him, and plopped onto the toilet lid. He placed his face into his hands and tried to stop his leg from jiggling up and down. He could feel hot tears pooling up in his hands but all he could think about was how fast his heart was and how abnormal his breathing felt. He felt like was in someone else’s skin, unnatural, and out of place. The sound of the balls hitting the ground of the court only made his terror grew. He could feel his muscles tense, as well as his lungs. They felt like they were being squeezed together, suffocating the very thing that allowed him to breathe.   
His tongue was as dry as the dessert sand, he yearned for water but had no will to get up. As he looked at his hands he realized his vision was darkened at the sides, as if he was looking through a fish-eye lens. Time seemed to stop all together, but also it seemed to slip away at the same time.   
By the time he had begun to regain the ability to breathe normally, he could distantly hear the school bell ringing. His head flung out of his hands. Had he been hiding in this stall for that long?! He swiftly barged out of the stall and peek out of the bathroom to see if there was anyone left in the volleyball gym. I guess they all left for school. He ran to pick up his bag and then ran again back to the stall so he could change more quickly. When he had his uniform on he dashed to the school as fast as his tired legs could take him. It seemed like he was about to be late for the second time today…

He reached his classroom five minutes after class had started, panting like a dog. The dark circles around his eyes probably hid the redness from crying. At least he hoped. He still didn’t know what he looked like. He sat in his usual seat next to Kageyama after making a lame excuse to his teacher. He could feel the anger radiating off of Kageyama’s body, it made Hinata want to scoot as far away from him as possible. I don’t think that he’s seen Kageyama this angry at him since they met, he was almost as scary as he was then. For most of the class he sat with his head down bouncing a knee or twiddling his thumbs. Sometime in the middle of class, he began to realize how tired he was, how completely and utterly he was succumbed to exhaustion he was. It was like he had ran a race eight time and fallen off a cliff ten. The bell rang and he sat up abruptly, snatching up his bag and scrambling out of the classroom as far away from Kageyama as possible.   
He reached the hallways and let out a breath of relief. He made his way to his next class which was english. He was fairly sure he had that with Tsukishima. While he was walking he found himself bumping into people often. When ever he toughed shoulder or felt eyes looking at him or near him, he felt like he needed to fix his hair, or put his hood up on his hoodie. He felt his breath speed up again and he had the feeling he had to get out of there as fast as he could. So that’s what he did. He ran...again.

Hinata felt pathetic. There was no better way to put it. Cowering in the bathroom like an idiot afraid of his classmates. Why was he afraid of them? He was never before. He was so angry at himself, and Hinata didn’t usually get angry with anyone.   
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Just get up and go to your class. How hard can it be. Stop being such a pathetic coward.   
Hinata stood up and pulled open the door. People were still crowding around him talking and walking and judging and towering over him and-  
He took a deep breath and plunged into the sea of people. Fear rushing through his body but he managed to look up at the clock. Five minutes to get to class. He moved swiftly through horde of people, dodging, and avoiding any contact. It took him only four minutes to get to class luckily. First time to be on time, fewf.   
He spilled in the room with the rest of his classmates and sat in his usual seat, the front of the class, which he was regretting now; the teacher would pay more attention to him than if he would sit in the back. At least it wasn’t by Tsukishima, he couldn’t deal with those cold dead eyes of his todat. The rest of the class was spent a lot like his first class, head down, hands tangled together, mouth shut. In fact, the rest of the school day was spent like that, he fought the urge to hide in the bathroom whenever he wasn’t sitting quietly in the classroom looking anywhere except someone’s eyes. Throughout the day he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off, something wasn’t right. Something had been altered. 

At the end of the day he waited in the class until everyone else had filed out. He only walked the hallways when no one was there, not a single person. He didn’t leave the school right when he reached outside. He didn’t hop on his bike to ride home. Because he was going to be late again. But this time, it was his choice.  
He sat on the curb of the school next to the bike rack, through his colorless eyes he watched the sun start to dip below the horizon, painting the sky red and light shades of pink. He realized how thankful he was that this day had come and gone.Maybe tomorrow he could forget everything that happened. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day. A memory surfaced from Hinata’s mind, one just like this.   
Hinata sat on the steps of his house watching the blazing ball of fire that lit up earth fall to be replaced by the moon. He felt tears boil in his eyes as his father sat down next to him. He could feel his father looking at him but he didn’t want to look back. Today was a bad day for the young fifth grader. He had been bullied by his classmates about his peculiar bright orange messy hair. “See those colors, Shouyou?” His father asked in his most comforting voice. “They are symbols. Each one showing you the good tomorrow could bring.” Hinata had smiled even though he didn’t feel like it, but he did have a lot more hope than he did before.  
The next day had been better no more teasing to his surprise, but when he got home he realized at once something was off. His father was already here and he looked like he had just arrived. He smelled foul, and he spoke to Hinata’s mom in slurred words. He said he was going to stay away from work for a while. When his mother protested his father yelled at her to shut up. When Hinata had found his dad sitting the same place Hinata told him what his father had told him before “See those colors, Dad? They’re symbols for-” His father cut him off. “Shut it, Shouyou. It doesn’t matter.” And then his father said something that Hinata could never forget.  
“Nothing does,” 

That was when the alcohol started, Hinata realized with a start. That was when everything got worse. Right after Hinata’s father said it would be better.

There was a chance that Hinata’s day would be better tomorrow right? It couldn’t just be an endless spiral downward that goes on forever. But something in Hinata's bones said something different. Something deep within screamed something dark and something angry. As the last bit of fiery orange sun disappeared over the horizon, Hinata realized something, just like his father-

 

He had changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually put a lot of research into this chapter. I researched a bunch of symptoms of depression and tried to include as many warning signals I could into here. I also looked up how to write panic attacks correctly because I wanted to write something like this right. I actually suffer from social anxiety (which if you didn't realize that what was happening with the whole bathroom thing), and I often spend breaks in bathroom stalls like literally looking at my hands so I don't have to socialize at all. Also if you didn't notice why Hinata got so broken up about his team laughing at him was because, well the social anxiety, but also the flash back at the end where his classmates are laughing at his hair, I guess hinata kind of subconsciously connected the two. Please tell me if I made any mistakes in grammar or in plot or whatever, cause I make a lot of mistakes cause I'm still learning bois  
> kay bye my dudes

**Author's Note:**

> YO,  
> so this is my first fanfic on here. I'll try to update at least once a week but for the second chapter I'll probably have it up pretty soon because I've already read it, I just haven't you know made in not shit. This chapter is basically like kinda some backstory of why Hinata feels so shitty recently but yeah. I really like hurting hinata. I know I'm a bitch. please forgive me and love Hinata with all your hear he needs hugs. Also I like kudos, and comments. Give me feedback cause that's the needy person i am, okay see ya my dudes keep on being good dudes and seriously thanks for reading this chapter.  
> 


End file.
